BURN THE GATES Release an e.p. called ‘Impetum Consilium’, A Title Which Makes No Sense…But Neither Does The Music

Genre: groove metal

Location: Kansas City, MO-USA

Hi everyone! Welcome to the new YOUR BAND SUCKS! What happened to the old one, you ask? Fuck if I know, I just work here. Seriously though, the site crashed and I didn’t have backup protection set in place so it all vanished into thin air like your mom’s panties at a Bon Jovi concert. So, we’re starting over! I took it as an opportunity to rebrand and redo some things we wish we had done differently at the beginning, so we’re gonna go with that. Oh I’m still gonna reek of shame, regret, and low self-esteem, don’t you worry-it will just be a whole new kind of shame, regret, and low self-esteem!

So let’s begin. I will start with these wannabe hillbillies from Kansas City called Burn The Gates. Burn the gates is a lot like Pantera, with none of the racist controversy and even less of the talent. It’s a deep, heavy southern sound, providing the perfect soundtrack for distilling moonshine, hunting alligators with a Bowie knife, and getting your sister pregnant. In short, the music’s sound reflects the music’s IQ appropriately. Today we will be examining the band’s newest album, ‘Impotent Something Or Other’.

The first song on this album is called ‘More’. And of course these dipshits spelled ‘less’ wrong. I’m not suprised in the least, I’m 30 seconds into this album and have already heard enough stupidity for an entire discography spanning decades! But enough about post ’80’s Metallica, the thing you need to know here is that less would be more. Even better than less would be nothing, but right now we’ll just have to settle for trying to get less.

The second track, called ‘Red Flags’, is very ironically named because here, The singer attempts to sing on what I can only assume is the chorus, and anyone who sings this awful and thinks they should record it has to be suffering from some kind of narcissistic personality disorder coupled with  QAnon levels of stupidity. Not that this song needs bad singing to ruin it-the songwriting here is more basic than a ‘live laugh love’ poster in a white girl’s dorm room. Hell, his song probably has an Onlyfans page that makes $6.00 per month, it’s so basic.

From there, this E.P. Moves into a plodding drunk hipopatamus of a number called ‘New Enemy’. But who is this “new enemy”? Talent? Intelligent lyrics? Production that doesn’t sound like a wet flag flapping in the wind? Who can really tell? Maybe it’s anyone that knows how to use a bar of soap and doesn’t scrape their knuckles on the ground when they walk, since this music is only worthy of unwashed, knuckle dragging morons.

Next up is ‘Victim Script’, and if you thought the stupidity on this album was going to resolve itself by now, well you should join this band-because that’s how dumb you are! Oh wait, can’t play an instrument? Don’t worry about it, you still won’t do any worse than these guys! But you wanna know what can do worse? The next song! It’ s called ‘I Am’, presumably because someone forgot to add ‘unoriginal’ when they wrote the title. Well…maybe I’m being too harsh…sounding like a cookie-cutter New Orleans metal band is pretty unoriginal, yes-but being a Kansas City metal band does being an original take to sounding like a cookie-cutter New Orleans metal band.

Whatever. I’m just trying to get trough the last track, a grand finale of swampy suck metal called ‘Toy Box’ and this song is so weak, I’m guessing the toy box they are referring to is their moms’ vibrator drawers. It’s an angry song, probably because they’re mad that unlike them-and no doubt their fathers-at least the “toys” in the “toy box” know how to not disappoint their mothers.