Vile Ambassador Debut With a Single Called “Burn Down In The Night”-But Sadly, Won’t Take Their Own Advice.

By Steve Shagwell for YOUR BAND SUCKS.

Genre: death metal.

Location: Milwaukee, WI-USA.

Ah yes…death metal. The official music of the virgin trailer park-bro nation. Where would we be without its thoughtful discourse on the proper way to dissect a murder victim or how to eat a dead baby? Without death metal fans, who would keep the eviction-industrial complex and its significant contribution to the economy going? Death metal is vital to the American economy and equally as vital to the American discourse…or would be vital to the American discourse, if we could understand  a single damn thing all these mouth-breathers were saying.

The band I am reviewing today is death metal. They’re from Wisconsin, the cheese capitol of the United States-and if you were wondering if all the cow farts and fermented milk in the air are having a detrimental effect on the IQ’s and sanity of the residents of Wisconsin, this band is here to verify once and for all that it’s true…all of it.

All of the death metal mainstays are here-Not least of which, is proof that maybe we should all take a deep breath and admit that maybe Cate Blanchett is onto something.

The guitar playing is completely full of itself, with tremolo picking and fast note progressions-and even a pretty blistering lead guitar solo. It’s almost as if Eddie Van Halen started a death metal band, except that would probably rule and this just sucks. I mean, at least Eddie Van Halen would be part of a song that made sense.

This song is tough as nails and full of unbridled rage. But I guess I would be too, if I were a song written by a bunch of douchebags who probably couldn’t hold a job, let alone a girlfriend.

Death metal has a scary reputation and I feel that this band could go a long way toward erasing that stigma. I nominate them to be the official ambassadors of death metal. Once the people trying to censor this music encounter this band, they will realize that death metal isn’t scary at all-it’s just stupid. Laughable, even! People would stop clutching their pearls and start clutching their stomachs in laughter, instead. I think it would help people to stop looking at Death Metal as the devil’s music and start looking at it as something created by God, who then passed it off to one of his angels, who dropped it on the floor and caused a chemical reaction that resulted in laughing gas. It is a fact that most death metal, while provoking celebratory vandalism in a select few, mostly provokes laughter in any rational person that gives it a serious listen, after all.

I was particularly taken with the drumming. It is absolutely awe-inspiring in its pointless masturbation and self-harm, and the way it could do both at the same time.

This song has a lot in common with traditional American values. It’s rigid, unimaginative, full of shit, and-most importantly-basic as fuck. In fact, this band is probably sucking a big dick after the church dance right now. Well good-a least that will shut it up for a little while.

In conclusion, all I can say about this song that’s good is that it is the only one this band has released so far. If you have a big dick, maybe you should be next in line behind the church to get sucked off by this Daddy’s girl of a jingle so that it continues to stay quiet for awhile. Do it for your country!