THE HATERS COALITION’s Single ‘Monster’ Is Actually An Abomination

Genre: rock.

Location: Wichita, KS-USA

Well hello boys and girls, who’s ready for another review? And by “review”, I mean a report on yet more audio torture that I am forced to endure. Some days are better than others, but every once in awhile a day that never should have to happen to literally anyone comes along. And that day was today.

In Kansas, a state overrun with wheat fields and sad attempts at culture, we find today a band called The Haters Coalition. The name reeks of gen-x angst and the music reeks of a hopeless lack of songwriting and production.

I’ll come back to the production, but right now let’s talk about the songwriting. This is Metallica post-’80’s levels of apathy and ineptitude. I mean, at least you can hear the bass guitar, but that in itself is problematic-because nobody in their right mind wants to be able to discern how these instruments are being played.

Kansas is a state that is known for good, simple people. I’m wondering what state this band migrated from, because while the music they’re making is simple, it is by no means good. In fact, on a scale of 1-10, with “1” being an experience as torturous as dragging your balls through powdered glass, This song is a perfect zero. And a zero is a circle, which is also representative of a serpent in Viking mythology that eats its own ass because it’s that gross and stupid-making zero the absolutely most perfect number for this band and their music.

As mediocre riffs collide with drum patterns reminiscent of an uncoordinated caveman tenderizing his latest kill and bass lines clumsier than a puppy parade, the vocalist delivers enough cringe for an entire library of ’80’s new-hire training videos for retail workers. The resulting mess hold all the clutter and stank of a college dorm room during homecoming week.

I briefly contemplated calling these guys up and telling them to just quit, but I decided instead to let these musical lemmings run free-because after having been subjected to the sonic experience of having this shit crash into my speakers like an “alpha-male” douche-bro crashing into an Instagram model’s DM’s, I decided that I had earned the immense satisfaction of seeing them run off a cliff and die.

And speaking of dudes who hate girls, this song starts with the singer proclaiming “this song is for all the bitches”. The irony of a bunch of guys who make music like a bunch of bitches having the audacity to call literally anyone a bitch is absolutely ludicrous in and of itself, but then the song goes on to rip off Mary Shelley by telling the story of Frankenstein’s Monster! Of course, the exclamation mark of surprise is just hyperbole, because by now the fact that these guys can’t come up with something original to write about is not surprising at all. These guys have lowered the bar for originality to such an extent that a professional contortionist couldn’t limbo their way under it.

‘Monster’ is a song that is big on stupidity, and small on surprises.

Want more proof that Kansas is for the simple-minded? Exhibit A: The Haters Coalition is playing locally, catching on, and acquiring a fan base! They have shows coming up that you can learn about from their Facebook page, including Kansas’s first ever YOUR BAND SUCKS live experience at the legendary Kirby’s Beer Store in Wichita on April 13th. They will be sharing the stage with Love Like War, The Merkins, Burn The Gates, and Sin & Scar-and of course, Steve Shagwell, the evening’s “emcee”, who will be roasting the bands live on stage for a complete trainwreck of live music and insult comedy.

Facebook: The Haters Coalition

YouTube: The Haters Coalition