JACK BINKERD Releases an e.p. Called ‘The Stress Was Gettin’ To Me This Week’-As If That Were Ever An Excuse For Music This Awful

By Steve Shagwell for YOUR BAND SUCKS.

Genre: Alternative.

Location: Nashville, TN-USA.

Elevator muzak is annoying as fuck. In fact, I can’t even think of anything more annoying. It’s basically FOX news without all the vitriol and an extra helping of banal, repetitive stupidity. It is absolutely my least favorite genre, redeemed only by the fact that it can’t possibly sink any lower, so at least there are no unpleasant surprises left.

Or so I thought. Here to uproot my clueless naiveté comes Jack Dinkerd-putting an alternative take on elevator muzak. This would actually have potential for elevating the genre, if it were done by literally anyone else besides Jack Dinkerd. But, all we’re getting is Jack, so of course this is going to fail hard-in fact, this failure is so hard that it might as well be a Senator’s dick at a boy scout convention.

The e.p. Starts with a track called ‘Donald, Please Heal Me’. Because of course it does. Only an idiot like Dinkerd would have come out of the last 8 years thinking that literally anyone with the name Donald is who you go to for healing, of all things! But this guy of course is an idiot like Dinkerd because-well, he’s Dinkerd. The song sounds like the soundtrack to lazy masturbation on a mountain top, which is fitting-after all, masturbation is no substitute for actual sex, and this here is no substitute for actual music.

From there, it meanders into ‘I’m Upset About The Dolphins’ because right now the world is burning, mass shootings are a daily occurrence, and Justin Bieber is still selling albums-but let’s get mad about fucking dolphins??? Sure, why not! Of course, it’s probably just Faux outrage, just like this is Faux music, meaning it’s perfect for the ears of mainstream American music fans-or would be, except for the fact that nobody can even pretend to care what this guy’s pissed about or what music he’s writing. So…next!

‘That’s A Long Time To Wait On A Cigar’ is a case study in how to fail at orchestrating music. Between the Dollar Tree Carlos Santana knockoff riffs and the repetitive bargain bin melodies-not to mention the backdrop, which sounds like a drunken chimpanzee attempting to play a mandolin-there is just enough material here to compose a magnum opus of suck. Add in some strumming that’s slightly less boring than watching grass grow, and this thing is perfect! If the musical equivalent of watching ‘Two Girls One Cup’ is your thing, anyway.

On the track ‘You Turned Her Against Me’ (nobody turned her against you, Dinkerd-she just left you because she got tired of sleeping on the smelly futon in your van), He branches out into something a little livelier. Of course, it doesn’t take much to be livelier that a fucking collection of sonic sloths, so is it really that lively? I think the slide guitar in the intro is about as effective as an incel sliding into a narcissist’s DM’s and the results are every bit as cruel and heartless, resulting in a song that’s about as pointless as arguing with said narcissist.

Thankfully, there are only 5 songs on here and this is the last one: a little ditty about procrastinating because I’m guessing this clown needed to smoke some more bath salts called “ Come Back To This Later”. But please don’t. I’m pretty sure we can get a GoFundMe started to get you more bath salts-in fact, you only need to offer one perk: Not writing anymore music!

‘The Stress Was Gettin’ To Me This Week’ is an e.p. That dives deep-deep up its own ass, it’s so full of itself. But in the end, it gets nowhere-because like Dinkerd’s talent, that’s where Dinkerd’s ass leads.