CARRIE NATION AND THE SPEAKEASY’s e.p. ‘Gnosis’ Is Stupid

Location: Kansas City, KS-USA

Genre: bluegrass

Webster’s dictionary defines gnosis as: “esoteric knowledge of spiritual truth necessary for Salvation”. What does that have to do with anything, you ask? Nothing, really. Except that it is the title of an e.p. Put out by Kansas City’s bluegrass outfit Carrie Nation and The Speakeasy, who have no business ever implying that there is anything smart about anything written in this band’s history, ever.

Let’s just put aside for one minute the fact that bluegrass is a genre of music that-I kid you not here-thinks a washboard is a musical instrument, and let’s just focus on the fact that Carrie Nation And The Speakeasy are actually asinine enough to use a word that implies being smart when they belong to a genre of music that has this belief about washboards. From here, the pathway to concluding that this band is dumber than a potato on life support becomes as crystal clear as the insecurities of a music writer who isn’t in a band of his own but has the nerve to write deliberately disparaging articles about bands. I’m glad I’m not one of those chronic masturbators, let me tell you. Who the fuck even does that?

Anyway, about this album: it is six songs packed full of bluegrass renditions of the worst moments of Eddie Van Halen and Journey on bad acid. It opens with the instrumental track ‘Rumpletum’, or ‘Bumblebutt’, or whatever it’s called, and this song can’t decide of it wants to attempt bad mariachi or even worse shred metal. Not that it matters, as the songs fails gloriously at both-along with whatever else it thinks its attempting to accomplish. This segues seamlessly into the next track, “Bowels And Constants” like wastewater into sewage. At first I thought this was going to be an instrumental track as well, which made me happy-because the last thing music this stupid needs is words. It’s like what Confucius or Eminem or whatever said about it’s better to keep your mouth shut and let people wonder if you’re a fool than to speak and let them know you’re a fool. This is good advice that smart people follow, but not Carrie Nation And The Speakeasy. Vocals come in halfway through and there is no need to wonder anymore-Carrie Nation And The Speakeasy are stupider than small towns on Saturday night.

It picks up speed with the next track, ‘All Men Created Equal’. This title is absolutely rich coming from a living, breathing case study in how inferior a group of musicians can be to literally every sentient organism on earth. The song speeds along like a British princess in a car chase and I would love to say it ends just as horribly, but unlike the aforementioned princess, everybody wants this song to die, so I think any rational human being considers this end anything but horrible. Myself, I just consider it awesome. But then it does end horribly, as it crawls slowly forth from the wreckage looking like a high-speed car crash victim and sounding even worse. Say hello to ‘We All Believed’! It’s slow, moody, and sounds like your Aunt Ruth complaining through her electro-larynx over a bunch of howling basset hounds while your uncle Billy plays the banjo drunkenly while trying to stay awake.

It goes from there into a song called ‘Trismegistus’, which I can best describe as what you experience after you drink a full bottle of cough syrup and fall down a flight of stairs. The experience is painful, but you’ve become too stupid to care. But this e.p. saved the worst for last-or did it? This album sucks like your mom on Motley Crue’s tour bus and I can’t even tell the high points from the low points anymore. What I do know is this e.p. ends with a song called “Gnosis”. The song is a Magnum Opus of suck with its tempo and mood changing quicker than a bipolar ex that won’t shut up.

‘Gnosis’ is a stupid album, written by a stupid band, for stupid people with stupid websites to write stupid reviews of. Boy, am I glad I’m not one of those stupid people with a stupid website. Or am I? After listening to this album I am become so stupid, I can no longer tell stupid apart from non-stupid.

Carrie Nation And The Speakeasy are about to release a new e.p. Already, called “Logos” and they will be having a release party on Thursday, August 17, 2023 in Wichita, KS at Brickyard. Why a venue like the legendary Brickyard would host this band is beyond me, but I guess this band has lots of people at their shows having all kinds of fun-which is also dumb. Should we review that e.p. too? Hell, why not, what do we have to lose? We already lost all of our brain cells thanks to ‘Gnosis’ anyway,

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