COFFFIN BURNER’S Album ‘…What Creeps’ Is A Masterclass In Musical Misery.

Genre: Sludge metal.

Location: Eugene, OR-USA.

Coffin Burner, a name that sounds like a promising disaster waiting to happen, has graced the world of stoner sludge metal with an uncanny ability to leave listeners in utter disappointment. These musical illusionists may have you believe that their chaotic concoction is a work of genius, but don’t be fooled—Coffin Burner’s “What Creeps!” is more of a sonic swindle than a symphony.

While they eagerly point fingers at Black Sabbath, Grief, Iron Monkey, and other unsuspecting bands for their own existence, one can’t help but think that Coffin Burner’s music is more of an accidental mishap than an intentional creation. Their influences, including Winter and Grief, must be cringing in their musical graves, hoping that their legacies remain untarnished by association.

Coffin Burner’s journey through the abyss of sludge has been akin to stumbling through a musical maze with no exit in sight. After their debut in 2015, a bassist decided to abandon ship, leaving them in the lurch. Rather than overcoming adversity, they transformed it into a catastrophic calamity. Their solution? Crank the amplifiers to deafening levels, creating a wall of sound that can only be described as an exercise in auditory agony.

A lineup change in August of 2015 didn’t deter them in the least. Even as the microphone operator relocated to Eugene, Oregon, Coffin burner’s tenacity remained intact. “What Creeps,” released on Bandcamp on Friday the 13th of February 2017, was a date that foreshadowed the dismal listening experience that awaited unsuspecting ears.

Their slogan, “Only Sludge Is Real,” is a desperate plea to be taken seriously in a genre that often relegates them to the depths of mediocrity. But instead of earning respect, it comes across as an admission that they’re struggling to maintain any semblance of relevance.

Their battle cry, “Death to False Sludge,” reveals their penchant for mistaking delusion for devotion. It’s as if they’ve created a sludge inquisition, hunting down imaginary heretics in the bleak wilderness of their own music.

And then there’s the declaration, “Vampires Must Burn,” which adds a layer of mysticism to their already perplexing persona. One can’t help but wonder if Coffin Burner’s mission extends beyond music and into a realm where the undead are in need of fiery redemption. Their music too, for that matter.

In conclusion, Coffin Burner has unquestionably solidified their position as the masters of musical misery. “What Creeps!” is a testament to their ability to disappoint and confound. So, if you find yourself craving an auditory adventure that falls far short of expectations, Coffinburner is the band to provide it. Just be prepared to journey through a musical abyss that leaves you questioning your life choices, your taste in music, and your faith in the very concept of sound itself.

Also, this is what happens when you mix meth and horse tranquilizers with shame and regret.

We have no idea what Coffinburner is up to next, and that unfortunately is the only bit of good news here. If your morbid curiosity gets the better of you however, you can follow them on their social media accounts listed below.

Facebook: @coffinburnersludgeofficial

YouTube: “Broken Off And Run Into The Ground” by Coffinburner

Bandcamp: @coffinburner