ATTACK GOOSE’s Single ‘Crazy’ Is Batshit Terrible

Genre: Rock

Location: Blue Mountains-Australia

Well hello everyone! Steve Shagwell here, dropping a deuce all the way from Australia, where the very earth tries to kill you with giant spiders, hyper-venomous snakes, and lord knows what else. As if that wasn’t reason enough to avoid the former penal colony, I give you Attack Goose-who said earth with its critters have allowed to flourish somehow-presumably because God has a sick sense of humor.

This band actually existed in the early ‘90’s and was formed by founding members of Sugar Ray and Pope’s Habit. If you don’t know who those bands are, don’t be ashamed. They’re old-but our grandparents probably don’t even remember them either. The band took a 30-year hiatus, and then I’m guessing somebody escaped from a nursing home and said “It’s time to put the band back together!”

So, here we are. I fear Alzheimer’s has set in, because upon listening to this it was obvious to me they forgot how to make music.

Oh, I kid. They never knew how in the first place!

My first thought listening to this is “how in the fuck did people stupid enough to write something like this manage to keep from putting their dick in a venomous snake’s mouth and dying a horrible death?”

Australia’s landfills must be full, because Attack Goose is going through a whole lot of trouble to export all of this trash.

The song starts innocuously enough, with a generic early 90’s alt-rock riff that sounds like Collective Soul saying “fuck it” and spitting out a riff like Attack Goose’s moms spitting out what could have been the smart children in the families. But then the vocals come in and this just sounds more like the band should change their name from ‘Attack Goose’ to ‘Drunk On Cough Syrup’ Goose’. I mean, I can sing better than this-and I can’t even sing!

Of course, music is a subjective art form, and taste is subjective, meaning my opinion here doesn’t really matter. Neither does anyone else’s, and that’s good news for Attack Goose-because literally nobody’s gonna like this shit, to begin with. I don’t have to be a sociologist to make an objective statement about how nobody is going to give a fuck that music’s subjective, they will all objectively hate it anyway. I bet this paragraph got monotonous. Good! Now you know what listening to this song feels like.

I am trying to come up with a reason that the music is so…off. I could go the MAGA route and blame George Soros-I mean it exists, therefore it must be his fault-but he’s in the business of tanking economies, not music. But, this music sounds like only a man that ugly can look, so…maybe. But correlation does not equal causation-unless we’re talking about the fact that while listening to this I lost about 20 I.Q. points…objectively speaking.

“Crazy’ is a song that tries to sound sane, but can’t. So it tries to be crazy, but it can’t do that either.

They should have just called it ‘Stupid’. Then it could quit trying and we could all get some rest.

I told Attack Goose to knock this stupid shit off, but unfortunately I think the Alzheimer’s made them forget they even talked to me. So, they have played their first gig at a place called The Tates Hotel in Windsor and will no doubt record, play shows, and hopefully at some point stick their dicks in a venomous snake’s mouth and die the horrible death we were all robbed of.

Spotify: Attack Goose

Apple Music: Attack Goose

YouTube: Attack Goose

Facebook: @attackgooseband