BILLY DREAMER: More like a nightmare

Genre: Rock/Punk. Location: Milwaukee, WI

Exhibit A: Album cover, your honor. If it looks like an ass, it’s an ass-and asses only produce shit. Now, council could rest on this alone, but allow me to also point out that if we listen to the music (exhibits L, A, M, and E, respectively) we can clearly tell that this band tours in a van with tinted windows and a mural of a wizard painted on the side. This is the very van that was seen leaving the scene of punk’s death.

Clearly, your honor, the glove does fit. Well okay, the glove in question is a series of finger condoms with holes in them, but nonetheless you can surely see the insemination being made here, I shouldn’t have to spell it out.

Now, if I may also direct the jury’s attention to the defendant’s guitar, one will notice something peculiar. No, it’s not a ukelele. It just sounds like one. This guitar, however, may have at one time belonged to Kurt Cobain because it makes me want to shoot myself.

Your honor, clearly this band is guilty of the following violations:

  • Statutory rape: guitars and drums can’t possibly last long in this band. As such, they are not of legal age to consent to being used as sex toys, instead of their intended purposes.
  • False imprisonment: how else do you explain that there are people at their shows? Clearly they are not allowed to leave.
  • Existing.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you must find the defendant guilty.

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