ENDLESS REIGN: Songwriting perishes on new release “Perished Memories”

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Genre: Thrash Metal.

Location: MInneapolis, MN.

Label: Zero Budget Records

Oh, I remember these jack wagons. They play in Wisconsin a lot. Poor Wisconsin…your football team lost today and you have to deal with these guys regularly coming in on top of it. No wonder you like the idea of Trump’s wall to keep the riffraff out! I would too.

Like seriously, if this band were refugees, we’d send them back as a declaration of war on Yugoslavisyriran or whatever. But then we’d have accusations war crimes from the U.N.

Wait, never mind…the U.N. is every bit as lacking in power as these guys! Fuck it, let’s light this shit up!

Funny you should mention, because I’m about to commit a war crime on these motherfuckers’ asses. Aw, don’t like that? Well that’s what happens when SEAL team tard points a suck cannon at muh ‘Muricuh…we commit war crimes bitch!

So…let me start by dropping some mustard gas on the album cover. IT’S WRONG. I know, bombed out buildings when I’m talking war crimes, it sounds like a match, right? WRONG! See, they actually need an album cover with some Lincoln logs thrown across the floor because that is literally their entire military capacity right there.

Jesus Hurricane Christ, what is with that slow breakdown on the song A.I.D.S.? Did you guys need to take a breather from catching said A.I.D.S., or what? I swear to Satan, Black Sabbath has livelier breakdowns!

Did I just diss Black Sabbath??? AW HELL NAW! Actually, aw hell yes, I just did that. What the fuck site did you think you were on?

The album opens with a really strong track called “Holes In The Sky”…of course, I’m talking hippie strong, so…you know…it’s actually not strong at all. It’s so stereotypically gay that it’s already flaming too much for me to pour gas on and burn, so I guess I’ll allow it…to burn, sounding all eerie at first, then going into some heavy shit that not only doesn’t deliver, but couldn’t deliver a pizza with a GPS. And it might as well not bother, because the second song, “Upon The Alter”, can’t even count to give change anyway. Hell, it probably doesn’t speak english anyway, that fucking refugee of a song.

“Upon The Alter”…are you fucking serious??? Can you guys not spell, because you’re retards, or did you do that on purpose, thinking it was clever, because you’re retards?

Okay, I see now…because the next song is called…I SHIT YOU NOT, PEOPLE!…”Face Ripper (the ripper of faces, aka his own face)”. These fucking retards think they’re clever.

*Facepalm, with a brick*

It’s a throwback to old-school metal…a most worthy tribute to every band from that time when men were men and metal was metal…well, at least every band that failed and now sits in a nursing home drooling oatmeal from the corners of their mouths. We appreciate the effort guys…but you already sound old and tired. Your riffs fell asleep at breakfast, and not because they’re trying to trick the nurse into coming close enough to get her ass grabbed.

The last band I reviewed ruined a blues riff and in a typical display of unoriginality, so did these guys on the track “Symphony of The Gallows”. It’s like Pantera on rufies trying to escape from Entombed’s dungeon. Now I know you’re thinking that sounds really cool, but you have to realize that Pantera isn’t even around anymore, Entombed added letters to the end of their name, and no one cares!

Ooops! I did it again! Twice! No cow is too sacred here on Your Band Sucks.

Speaking of cows, The singer at times sounds like a cross between a cow with emphysema and a cute little troll muppet. Having sex. With a sock. Well, until the track “Perished Memories”, anyway. Then he sounds like Jonathan Davis on the toilet, swearing he’ll never eat an anchovie jalapeno burrito ever again.

God dammit Shagwell, stop it! You jealous little basement troll bitch.

The drumming saves this album, at least.

KIDDING! This isn’t drumming, it’s a minnow flopping around on a snare drum. Weak, arrhythmic, and pretty close to death.

These guys are a fucking abortion. Hell, we might just back a tour of theirs so that you can all do a case study on how a band can suck like a crack whore while sounding like a child celebrity whore.

This isn’t just my party. Let these clowns have it in the comments below, people.

 

Endless Reign will be playing their final show of the year on Nov. 18th, 2017 at Lee’s Liquor Lounge in Minneapolis, MN and releasing their music video for “Drain The Swamp” on November 29th, 2017…which we intend to roast the fuck out of in December.

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Website: http://www.endlessreign.com

Bandcamp: https://endlessreign.bandcamp.com/

ReverbNation: https://www.reverbnation.com/endlessreign

Facebook: @EndlessReign

Twitter: @endlessreignmn

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