GUTTER SKUNT: Stop flattering yourself, bitch.

Genre: punk

Location: Duluth, MN

I’m actually friends with these guys so I want to go easy on them. Unfortunately, life is cruel and literally gave me no wiggle room here. It also gave me a job that required me to listen to this So…fuck it. This is gonna hurt like a battery acid enema. It’s just what it is. I’m going to analyze their music video here because the jack wagons aren’t even playing real instruments. Which really explains a lot here, actually.

Let’s start with the singer. Leather jacket, faux mohawk, walks like he’s the douchiest thing since Andrew Dice Clay, and shows up late to practice. Yep, he’s a fucking singer, alright! These vocals sound like the motherfucker drank too much Cough syrup and forgot to pull the vibrator out of his ass before he stepped up to the microphone (it’s not even an actual microphone). Seriously, a drunken moose can pull this off better!

Guitar? Bitch, please. Uncle Fester the molester in a biker vest does not a guitarist actually make. Hell, it doesn’t even make a broom player. The competency here is on par with Stephen Hawking’s juggling skills. I bet this dude’s girlfriend is some death metal chick with more issues than a magazine rack and a nickname like “rodent” or something.

Now I can’t believe The bassist. Well, actually I can. This guy doesn’t play bass, he plays a shovel in the video and he probably plays a tuba in real life. Or the skin flute. Hell, I don’t know. All I know is he looks like he knows his pretty way around one. I’d sure hate to be him in prison…though I’m sure he’d LOVE to be him in prison. He’d make a great prom queen.

And on the buckets…looks like we have Quiefnan The Barbarian! This beast of a birth defect plays drums like I play chess. Spoiler alert: I lose. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. This paint-huffing sasquatch loses the beat just like that, too. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. I’ve seen better drumming in a fucking barbershop quartet.

They have friends in the video, made up as zombies. One is playing the piano. Is it just me, or does that guy just look like a walking bukake magnet? Oh…wait…that white stuff on his face isn’t paint, is it?

4 losers and their loser friends making a loser music video for loser web sites to give loser reviews to. It’s like a win-win, except everybody loses…everything…except their virginity.


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